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A Voice in the Dark

In AD 2101 war was beginning. What happen? Someone set up us the bomb! We get signal. What? Main screen turn on. It's you. How are you gentlemen!! All your base are belong to us!! You are on the way to destruction. What you say? You have no chance to survive. Make your time. HA HA HA HA.... Take off every 'Zig' You know what you doing! Move 'Zig' For great justice.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Applebee's, Alcohol, and Africa

I went to Applebee's with my wife and son tonight, and we had THE WORST SERVICE EVER. I tipped him a NICKEL. Why a nickel? Because if I didn't tip at all, he might just think I forgot. So I tip a nickel, just so he knows that I'm not a cheap bastard - I'm simply VERY DISSATISFIED.

Our waiter was very very busy with a table full of Russians. I hope they tipped well, because by my count he visited their table five times while visiting ours twice, and once was because we told the girl sweeping the floor to go and get him.

The girl sweeping the floor, Emily, is going to Kenya for four months. I gushed all over the place about how I had been just outside Nairobi for about a month, and it literally changed my life. She was very appreciative, because everyone she knows has been telling her to just stay home and don't bother and why would she ever want to do such a thing.

Well, once you've walked on African soil and looked out across the plains, you will know exactly why. And until you've done that, you know JACK SHIT. There is magic in Africa, and you can't find that magic anywhere else. There is certainly other magic. I know there is magic in the Mesopotamian region, and in the rain forests of South America, and in the cities of Eastern Europe, because I have been there; I am certain that similar magic is found in Australia and Antarctica, because they are the sorts of places that it could be found. I may go there someday, and until I do, I will not know the special magic of those places. But each of these types of magic is distinct, it is unique, it is individual, and unless you have known such magic it simply cannot be described. Once you *have* known such magic, it doesn't really *need* to be described. So if you need to know why, just shut up. We can't explain it to you. Go there, and you will know.

But in any case, I wanted to complain a little on the alcoholic side of things. When I order a top shelf Long Island iced tea with no ice, one should observe from the "top shelf" portion of the order that I actually give a shit how my drinks taste. A bartender should therefore NEVER EVER EVER assume that in order to fill the glass, he should add MORE SWEET AND SOUR. This completely screws up the ratio and makes the drink taste like CRAP. Leave the drink short. If you don't know how much mixer you use, make it with ice and then strain off the ice.

I took the opportunity today to taste a few "premium" beers coming out of the big breweries. I got some Budweiser Select, Michelob Lager, and Black Hook Porter. (The last is a local Washington brewery, Red Hook, although it's one of the larger ones.)

Budweiser Select tastes like Budweiser, only it's good. I know, that's a bit of a smartass answer, but it's true. It has the same distinct bite and fizz and flavor, but it has a cleaner finish and seems crisper and more mature somehow.

Michelob Lager is very much like Budweiser Select, but has a slightly more robust flavor. It has a kind of grainy and nutty undertone, which is not unpleasant. What really surprised me was the limited edition aluminum bottle, which somehow makes the beer seem better. It hefts better in the hand, feels colder on your lips, it's just an altogether better experience than a glass bottle or aluminum can. I heartily recommend extending that limitation on the aluminum bottle, because it ROCKS.

Black Hook Porter starts out much better than either of the previous beers, but then gets a nasty aftertaste that really sort of kicks you in the shorts. My wife, who hates beer, tried all three. On the first two, she happily remarked "yep, that's beer, tastes like shit". On the Black Hook, she choked and made a face. It's a nasty-tasting beer.

Of course, Guinness is THE beer, so everything else can piss off. But new stuff deserves a try here and there. I also tried Mike's Hard Berry (reasonably good), Zima XXX Black Cherry (alcoholic fruit punch, what a great idea), and Smirnoff Triple Black with Lime (pretty good, slightly more distinctly-lime taste than the prior vaguely-citrus flavor). I *like* babysitter drinks, which are after all so-called because they're good to keep around for when you want to nail the fifteen-year-old babysitter. They're *designed* to be liked. And if you think that makes me less of a man, who cares? There are plenty of women who appreciate a man that can kick back with a few Bartles and Jaymes wine coolers, and their opinions matter a lot more than some hairy sweaty guy.

Although that reminds me: lately, a lot of people have been arguing with me about various homosexual urges and behaviors. They frequently remind me that I am not myself gay, so I cannot possibly understand. But let me toss this one out there.

Jude Law is uncircumcised.

I'm not telling you how I know that, but trust me: I understand.

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